Ammendment to "Sometimes I forget..."

Sometimes I don't forget...
I just haven't realized yet.

I haven't realized how dirty and messy and screwed up I am.
The more I see Him and try to follow Him the more He has to root out and detoxify me from.
I wonder... what the crap?
How long has this been in there?
Oh... it's always been in there.
Man, I suck. Why are you still putting up with me?

It's not why He's still putting up with me.
It's that He's always known it and still chose me.
It's just that now, He's showing me what's inside as He takes it out.
So really, to us we're getting dirtier and messier.
To Him, we're getting cleaner and cleaner.
The more junk we see and are getting out of our life,
is the more He has the ability to love and know us.
That's why we rejoice - not because we're jacked up -
but because we used to be really really jacked up, He chose us,
Now we're less jacked up.
Later we're going to be even less jacked up.
We think we're dirtier and dirtier going
"oh my... do you even know what's in me? Do you know how awful I am?"
He just kind of chuckles and says "Whew, you're so much better than before."
We look at Him with confusion.
He responds, "What? I knew what I was getting into. I still love you just as much."

It's odd to think He saw us in our complete filth (which we have yet to see thanks to His mercy) and simultaneously saw us seated with the Son in complete restoration and perfection.

It's not like He bought a half way decent old car to restore it without really checking it out, then got it home and the more He works on it the more issues He finds with it. No, He's a master mechanic. He looked at this rusted scrap bucket that was originally created to be beautiful, looked it over really really well, took note of every scratch, dent, rust spot, missing O-ring, sticky valve, mis-wired electronics, missing fuses stepped back, saw what it was going to be one day and said, "I gotta have it. I'll give anything." I'm the kind of guy who finds problems as we go along and am like "dang it. I'm too invested and too stubborn now to quit." But He just laughs at me and says "yeah, I knew all of that before we started. I think you thought this was going to be easier than it was." "Yeah, I did." as I whipe my brow and sit back for a moments rest. And He responds with a little chuckle, then smiles, grabs a wrench and reaches back in to keep working.

He's got a lot of foresight.
That's why His love never fails or gives up. Because He already knew how bad we were and how awful things were going to be and He still decided to initiate and start the process with us. And He is faithful to finish. He's not one of those guys who starts lots of things and finishes none. He starts lots of things and finishes every last one of them to the T.

Video Worth the Watch

And sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I just forget that He's good.
Cognitively I could tell you that, usually,
but in my inner being often forgets that idea.
Deep down inside, my inner core doesn't scream out
"You're just so, so, ....so good" each day.

I think my forgetfulness comes in times of sacrifice.
On days of fasting, and my mind considers food more than Him.
When He asks us to stay in from going out or hanging out to spend time with Him.
When looking at pictures and thinking how much "easier" life used to be.
When you think of how much more "control" and "say" you had in your life.
In times of blind growing, (when you know He's working, but you have no idea what's going on.)

It's in these times my mind and my soul forgets how to say
"You're just so, so good."
but instead usually has the thought of
"What the crap?!" "Again?!"

Here's where it turns - why does He do this?
Because of Love.

Do we realize that He is good and nothing but good?
Everything He does is perfectly good.
The best part is it's also all done out of Love.
Better yet, LOVE FOR US!
Love... for me.

Like a Father helps raise His child not letting him hit other boys with sticks, throw temper tantrums, eat ice cream for breakfast each day - so the Father disciplines and grows us up. We see the child as obviously wrong, but we have such a more righteous view of our actions - based upon our own childlike mentality. When we fast and feel that pain and frustration - we're actually detoxing from other drugs rather than His love - but in the end He wants us to be healthy and thriving rather than stalled and

He asks us to stay in because He's jealous for us. He's tired of us walking out on Him and being so busy with work, and entertainment, and friends that He doesn't get to just spend time hanging out with us and loving us. Can we fully expect the Creator of all good things to express all that He has towards us in a 5-10 min devotional each morning? If your husband/wife only told you they liked you or loved you or talked to you for 10 min each day, you might be pretty upset. We actually limit ourselves from experiencing His love because we just don't stop and have J dates.

When I think of all I've given up or am giving up, when I see the past as so much more enticing, it's probably because I'm looking back and not forwards. Sometimes you have no view of forwards, just the next step or next 15 min. We miss the big scale promises - this will make you look more like J. This is going to free you more. This is part of every nation coming back to it's heritage. This part of little boys and little girls running home and finding their Big Ole Dad running with open arms to meet them at the gate. It's part of a worldwide chorus coming together for a massive symphony of explosive noise yet with delicate harmonies and multitudes of voices raised in awe.

But sometimes I forget this.

I forget that He's good. That He works all things together for good.
That He's in control and really that's better.
That my sacrifice is ultimately for my good because He knows whats next in line.
It's that turning of ideas from "have to" and "get to."
Have to fast today - get to spend the day letting Him tell me how He loves me and helping clean up my cuts, wounds, and make me more flexible.
Have to go talk to someone - get to learn more about how much He loves them/me in the process
Have to Pr each day - get to talk to the Creative Genius and Royal King of the nations.
Have to read - get to understand mysteries that philosophers and scientists have been trying to crack for centuries
Have to share/do something awkward - get to not care about what others think
Have to stay in - get to rest from striving and expectations

Sometimes I forget that it's because of His Love that we live and move and have our being.
It's because of His Love we are being restored - cleaned up - grown - detoxified.
It's because of His Love we can't go back to our previous ways.

It's because of His Love... always His Love.
His Love...for me.

Merry Christmas!

From some of us on the East Side of this marble, we wanted to share our love with you.

Here are a few faces perhaps you recognize and maybe a few faces that you've only known in Thoughts and dreams. We love you all very much and am so extremely thankful for your Love, Thoughts, and friendship.

When words fall short...

We're really excited!

The last fun fact I wanted to share with you is how to say Christmas in Chinese.
Christmas - 圣诞节 - Shèngdàn jié
(For all of us Americans we would say "Shung Dan G-uh")
This is the cool part, literally translated it means "Holy Birth Festival"

So Merry "Holy Birth Festival!"
Let us flip out and be way too excited about what this means.

The last picture we took was a funny idea to start with - we tried to hitch up the sleigh and have Grammar, Dragon (the stuffed dog), and I as the reindeer with the girls making the sleigh. Horrible idea. It looks super strange, but since we did it, I thought we'd share it. May it bring some joy to you and help you do something crazy for Him. :)

Merry Christmas!

The world was revolutionized by a Baby.

Good news of GREAT JOY!
Glory in the heavens came down!
The Word became flesh!
The light has come into the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it!
Peace on earth to ALL people!
Jews, Americans, Chinese, Australians, French, Canadians, Mexicans, Irish, British, Kenyans, South Africans, Russians, Indians, Spaniards, Italians, Greeks, Venezuelan, Botswana, Japanese, Korean, Brazilians, Bolivians, and a few other places :)

It's not supposed to be this way...

It started off two weeks ago in class.
I was standing up front teaching about advertizing when I brushed my chest pocket in my shirt. Odd, I thought, I took out the folded up paper in my pocket mid sentence and tossed it on the podium in front of me. Then the sentence stopped as I realized it was 5 yuan (Chinese 5 bucks). How did that get there? I thought. Oh! G gave it to me. Awesome. Ok, so what do you want me to do with it? I asked.

Later that afternoon I went into the city center to visit another teacher and passed a woman on her knees with a metal bowl in front of her. A beggar. Instantly, I remembered the 5 yuan I had in my pocket. Oh, that's what it's for! Got it. So I pulled out the 5 yuan and dropped it in her bowl and in my poor Chinese tried to say "J loves you."

After lunch and getting coffee and talking and sharing what the Father had been teaching me with me we began our walk back. I began to try to explain how the Father gives radical gifts like gold dust, hair growth, healings, and money and such. 5 steps after explaining the 5 yuan He had given me earlier I bent down to pick up a flower. It appeared to have fallen out of an arrangement. Sweet. A flower. What do I do with this? Who do you want me to give it to? I asked again. "Maybe you can give it to that lady" my fellow teacher suggested. Good call, I thought. As I walked back I saw the lady still on the sidewalk, still on her knees, with her metal bowl infront of her staring at the ground still. I walked up and laid the flower in between her and the bowl and tried to compassionately whisper "J loves you" in Chinese. "How cool is G?" I thought. "That He loves her enough and thinks she's special enough to give me money and a flower to give to her. Who else does that? No one's ever thought she's special enough to give her a flower, but the Father is. The Father gave a flower in front of me and then told me to pass it on . " I continued to think about her and had "what can I do" on my mind? I realized how frustrated I was with my proud I gave 5 yuan. What can you do with 5 yuan? Like 3 bucks? what can you do with that? You can't really get a good meal. How much more do I spend on useless stuff? What does she need besides money? food? As the wind whipped across my face, I remembered how frigidly cold it was. She laid bundled up with a jacket and hat. Gloves! It hit me gloves! I had gloves I could give her. I walked back took off my gloves and laid them in front of her attempting to express His love.

Fast forward two weeks and I'm leaving a supermarket near our school at near 10 pm. All the other stores are empty and have closed up along the street. It's down an alley of sorts and as I exit the store and turn to take a picture of the overly large Santa Clauses standing out front I hear the rustling of trash. Oh no. My heart dropped and that awkward feeling came across me before I ever looked down the street. It was true. There barely lit by extravagant Christmas lights was a man dumping out the trash and going through it. It shouldn't be like this. It should have never gotten to this point. This is not the way You created it to be. Near tears welled up in my eyes. What do I do? Give him money? Is that an insult? Will he refuse? Is that what he needs? I started to walk by letting the awkward getting the best of me and letting my heart break confused about what to do. Then He showed me I had a drink in my hand. I had just bought something to drink as I walked out the door. Thankfully, I can ask simple phrases such as "yao bu yao?" (do you want?). He thanked me and I tried to express His love. The passage "giving even a cup of water in my name will not lose it's reward" came into my head but I don't care about a reward - I mean later I will want it to give to him, but now... I just want things to be the way they should be. Going through trash should never be an option. This is now how He created it to be. This is not what the plan ever was supposed to be.

So I came to the conclusion that I love J, and I hate the world without Him. If J had His way and fully reigned in every life and heart there would be no trash pickers and no beggars.

I passed our beloved lady again today. It was -15 degrees outside. I was with one of the language students (teachers studying Chinese full time) who talked to her. She had talked to her before and found out that she is Loved and Loves back. She's a Sister. She has a family...somewhere and some how (language barrier still in the way) and she had eaten today. Please join me in Asking that the Father lavish His love on her through warmth, food, perhaps a job, closer family, and even more random flowers. Let His Kingdom come now because this one just isn't turning out too well.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

This is proof I love my students.
After 2.5 hours of scrambling in between making dough, cookies, and icing, I only forgot and burnt 5 of them. I think that's a pretty good deal. I made them for my kids coming over tonight to my apartment for a Christmas party...yet no one showed up to the first round. (I have 30ish students in each class, so I told the first half to come from 4:30-6 and the second half to come 6-7:30.) I think G knew I was going to be late so no one came the first round. I finished up, cleaned up, and sat down to rest for a bit before the second round came. Had it all fancied up and everything.
The lights were on, the cookies/peanuts/some sort of wierd cracker thing was out in little bowls. (I felt quite proud.) I even lit a candle to make my place smell a little better.

6:00...
6:05...
6:13...
6:22...

Nobody. I guess the Father knew I needed more rest tonight than I needed a party. The good news is I have snacks and cookies and icing all made for the party on Friday. Since no one showed up, I thought I'd take this time to show you my decorated apartment.

As you walk in the door this is what you see. I also have another wall with lights on it that my tutor, W, had the idea for and helped me spell out the Kings name ... literally in lights - but just in case, I decided to save that picture for another time.

Finally, I'd like to introduce you to my new roommate. She's pretty, she's creative, she's special, she really lights up the room.


My tutor also affectionately named her 小兰 (Xiao Lan) which means "Small Flower". So Xiao Lan and I have been spending time together. It's funny because the extension cord she's plugged into is a little touchy so whenever someone sits down on the couch to hard it will turn her off (literally). So we say you have to be careful around Xiao Lan because she get's jealous easy and upset about the furniture. haha. Merry Christmas!

Awaken

It’s my normal inclination to write more on a conversational basis. I enjoy telling stories and find that people read things much more often if it’s told with a familiar tone rather than taking the time for a deep cognitive reading. On the other hand, every now and again I like to join the majority of people in the regard that we don’t want to be understood…easily. We are complicated, yet we’re very simple. No one ever wants to be called simple or shallow, but rather deep, interesting, and intriguing. We consider ourselves a mystery that people should want to solve, or at least probe to find more information out. It’s how we feel loved and valued – not being understood easily but instead being pursued. So for this entry, it may require a second or third read through. Perhaps the meaning isn’t quite as obvious. Shoot maybe it is. Giving my predisposition and what my words and writings naturally incline to, maybe it will be given away easily. Either way, this is my attempt. (In writing this, I don’t mean to sound arrogant, rather, just enjoy using a different writing style….and trying to sound smart.)

Awaken:
There’s nothing wrong with sleeping.
For sleep gives chance to dream.
Let us not sleep for too long
Because soon our dreams are not of greater things
But dreams slide into mediocrity and soon to nightmares
We live in a dream where nightmares are reality.
Deep inside we crave for something to be different,
And too many have just accepted this reality
And therefore satisfied with our coma like state.
To sleep, to drift, to wonder, to be coma-esque.
It’s time to wake up.
Exit the matrix.
Leave the nightmares we think are reality.
Sleep is not forever, good dreams are meant to be reality.

Awaken.
Awaken.
Awaken my bride.

Come wake your sleeping beauty.
Meet her with the kiss that brings the dead back to life.
Awaken her – intoxicate her – revive her with your kiss.
Intimate as you are – awaken our desire for intimacy.
Awaken the desire to not feel lonely.
Awaken the desire for finding a purpose.
Awaken the desire to not just get by.
Awaken the desires that we have medicated into submission
because we don’t have time to deal with them.
Awaken our hands to know the callouses of work.
Awaken our feet to the fire we walk on.
Awaken our sense of true reality – not this hallucination we’ve bought into.
Awaken us to our lives.
Stop the nightmares.
Let us live our true lives.
Awaken your bride.
Awaken us to our lives.
Dreams cannot compare to reality.
We desire to know the reality.
Awaken us.
Awaken.

Christmas Party with a Surprise Ending

(I know this is long - but it's awesome. Enjoy.)
I had my first Christmas party tonight. I’ll explain the details of that later. Only half of the class showed up so after the party was over we went to the dining hall to eat. It’s times like this that I find the Father comforting and affirming my coming back for a second year. He doesn’t have to give confirmation we’re doing the right thing, or ever give us reasons why, but tonight was an extra bonus that He gave.

As we ate we talked about more real stuff. They explained that this school was their 6^th, 8^th, or even 9^th choice for schools. How most of them didn’t want to study English. They shared about real life things and asked questions instead of “can you use chopsticks?” one girl asked “Are you outgoing because you are a teacher, or when you are alone are you too? When you’re alone are you silence? (quieter)” Good question. I could answer honestly, “Usually, when I’m in front of a group I’m more outgoing and more energetic, but by myself or with a small group I’m calmer.” It led into getting to explain I don’t like singing in front of people (surprise for Chinese people!) and other things that make me feel uncomfortable.

The next thing I know one student (the Billy Graham of the class I talked to you about this summer) shared her current struggle in her Relationship… in front of the other 9 classmates. (It’s like she doesn’t realize how much boldness she has, she just starts talking like she doesn’t really know it could be awkward or care.) She described how in the day she feels good talking to people, but at night to Talk she feels evil for not Reading or Talking to Him throughout the day. I repeated what I am learning that He loves when we talk to Him, He wants intimacy. Just like talking to a boyfriend or girlfriend for 5 min a day doesn’t really work, sometimes we take a day off and go have a date all day with the person. Maybe a day away would help her. I wanted to encourage her and admitted I know what that’s like and how it feels; she went on to say she feels all alone, many people think she’s crazy because of what she believes and how she acts. (She admits this in front of all of her classmates – who said they don’t believe, but they can understand.)

Another one of her classmates (who was into asking really good questions for the night) asked, “did you just always believe because of your parents or when did you start to believe in the Father?” I told her I knew stuff when I was little, but I really really started believing and understanding it when I was in high school. “So what was it? What changed your mind, what changed your view? What event?” She wasn’t asking as an interrogator, she wanted to know and wanted some of it. I explained it was a drama/performance. I went on to explain that I have become more convinced in the last 1.5-2 years. They asked why.

“Do you remember the big teacher who had a beard and was here last year?” I asked.
“Yeah! The fat one!” they replied. (Direct statements of Chinese mixed with a simple vocab).
“Well, he got really sick and found out he had cancer….” I explained. As I went on to tell the story of how he was both diagnosed negatively and then diagnosed praiseworthily. They’re eyes opened. “Whaaa?” My struggling sister piped in with a story of how it happens a lot in their fellowship too, and another sister (I just found out about) explained in their fellowship too. Awesome! She explained how one boys grandma had cancer and after they Asked for it, she went back to the doctor and it was gone. When they went back home the grandpa then had cancer too. After some time of Asking for it, the Father “made him have no cancer.”

I went on to explain how Tannah (my teammate and another foreign teacher they have) spoke into my life words from the Father when I hadn’t told anyone of a situation I was in. I explained about a dream that my teammate last year had (which is just awesome in itself). This they were very excited about and nearly had tears themselves at the end of it. “Yes!” our sister chimed in. “My uncle has dreams too, all the time.” I celebrated with excitement. She admitted she thought it was cool, but others didn’t like it or thought it was crazy, others in her fellowship. (We can’t be hating on gifts the Father gives to us as testimonies of His might, awesomeness, and reality.)

I got to explain how it’s because He loves us He makes Himself real and known. He calls us to follow His ways because He knows us better than we do. Like a mother telling a child that ice cream is not an acceptable breakfast, so He cares and directs us. He calls us to Him to leave our old ways and do things His way because He loves us.

The question girl asked “so if you believe in the Father and the Son – when you die do you get to see the Father?” I explained that everyone gets to see Him, some are taken with Him into glory and some are thrown into the fire. (It became real and now they’re accountable for that – but I thought it was definitely necessary and needed.)

Another girl asked “I’m not a Family Member, can I still Lift up things to Him.” In a long and slightly confused answer I was able to share how He wants to hear from them. Like I as a future dad (not yet, no girlfriend/wife/anything) am going to love hearing anything from my daughter whether it’s: I love this Barbie doll, or my day was really bad, or I need help with this boy. Because my love is so strong for them, He enjoys every and all interaction with them. I explained that if she goes on trying to do her own life then He’s not going to help, but He wants her to talk to Him – Yes! Please go ahead and Ask! Talk to Him!

It was a phenomenal dinner all because we’ve known each other and we were able to be honest – and because the Sprite was doing work in the room. It was amazing that the thing that shocked them the most was when Billy Graham-ess told them that before class Tan and I pr for them. After that was translated, students sat in shock. “Me? For me?” One girl motioned with two hands towards herself as if to receive something and said “warmth” “I have warmth in my heart when I heard this.” They were all shocked. Another student said “Oh… you really do love us! Very deeply!” (It’s amazing that all the work you do or phrases you say to show them in hopes they would see your love for them, but it’s the little things that HE calls us to (like simply pr for a class) has the biggest influence. In 4 hours of being together, it’s what we do in our quiet times is what hit home. I guess the faithfully humble still have awesome things to share in glory.

The Father is awesome and the way He changes and inter-works within our lives is too. I am thankful for being in China, for having some of my returning students. I am thankful for the boldness of some students to just share what’s going on in their life which He could direct to opening a ridiculous convo that could, can, and is going to change their future one way or another. He’s magically phenomenal. He’s just awesome.

Yard Sale?

Yard Sale?
This was my first thought as I walked passed an array of items spread out all over the ground. Do Chinese people have yard sales? It seems odd the thought that they would reuse things like that. I mean most of the times things aren't made for long use so having multiple owners seems a strange idea. They make it quick and fast for a short time, then can reproduce the whole cycle over again giving many more jobs for the millions of people in their country (literally millions).

But to my surprise and yet confirmation it wasn't a yard sale but rather package delivery. Forget UPS or Fedex - students come to these guys.

I talked to another teacher (because they spoke English) who said a few years ago it was only one guy with 5 or 6 packages. Now it's grown to 3 or 4 vans each having 50 or so packages. You can have packages delivered or send stuff out with these guys. You can order stuff off the TaoBao (Chinese Ebay) and they'll deliver it. Does it seem shady to me and my American ideal of having a well established clean cut business? Yes. Does it work? Yes. I used the "official" post office last year and it took nearly 2 months for my package to get home. My teammate used these guys with a student and made it there in 2 weeks. I know who I'm using this year.

I watched inquisitively as I walked past thinking students or someone would be more likely to just walk off with a package that wasn't their own, but it looked as if students were just casually checking the coat rack to see if anything was their size. They'd walk through skimming over the labels in a certain section and if nothing had their name on it, they just kind of shrugged off and went about their business - the same look American students have when looking through their mailboxes at school. Sometimes we seem like we're the same, and sometimes our post offices are in a building or on the street curb literally out of the back of a van. When in China...

He's growing up so fast...

This past Friday, Tannah (another teammate) was able to go out with our boy G and one of his classmates who's really good friends with Tannah too.

G was explaining to Tannah that he really wanted to tell his parents and talk to them more about the J-man. He didn't think it mattered what they said or how they responded but just that he was faithful to tell them. He also went on to describe how he was planning on getting each of them a Book. He also explained, it doesn't matter if they dont read them or pick them up at all. I just wanted to be faithful and give it to them. That's my job.

(How awesome is this?! It's incredible to potentially discredit, disprove, or go against one's parents in China. It's such a big deal in any country but especially one who values, respects, and nearly worships their ancestors and anyone older relatives.)

G went to the bathroom and the girl sat down and began talking to Tannah. She explained how she had talked to a senior in their department and this other boy had mentioned and talked about how much G had known and how wise he was, that He gave great wisdom and maturity sine he had seen or known him last.

The girl went on to explain that as they ate dinner the other night, G proved himself true. "He was right, He does have a lot more wisdom, and is a lot more wise and mature. Very very good. He gave me like really good life advice." She lowered her speech as G returned. (The next question is "you've changed so much. Why have you changed?" There lies the answer.

Apparently, not only is he wiser, but he's also becoming a gentleman. Tannah commented that he was opening doors in restaurants, for taxi's, and other shops they walked in. "He would open the door and pause like he was thinking, then jump back and let us walk through. It was so cute." Tannah recapped a number of events where he thought really hard mid-process to make it more "lady-friendly." He also went on to continue to compliment and encourage them after listening to things they had said.

I'm proud of our little boy. He's growing up. :) He's turning into quite the fine young man.