Long Spring

Changchun translates as "the long spring" but students often joke about the actual meaning should be "the long wait until spring." It's now May and we are starting to get some nice warm weather. It bobbed up and hit the 60's one or twice in the last two weeks then dipped in the 40's for the rest of the time. Outside of the weather, I'm finding a different "long" part of spring.

Is the glass half full or half empty? On one hand I only have to write about 10 more lesson plans and in less than two months I'll get to be back in my own country, talking in my own language at whatever speed and variety I want. I'll get to be eating western food again - the thoughts of Taco Bell, cheeseburgers, and non-rice related foods often join my thought process. I'll get to sit down with my family and friends and begin to explain all the stories I haven't been able to tell. I'll get to share my life with them and finally get to catch up on the details of their life. On the other hand, I only have a few weeks left with this situation. I am coming back to this school, but we also know that things change each year. My team will be different, my students will be different, my office mates will be different and it hurts thinking about leaving them in this current situation. I'm not really satisfied with the way things are going here.

A few weeks ago I was excited to tell you how He was coming through. Relationships were finally taking off to the next level, I was getting to share and just love on people, and spend time with other foreign teachers - there was alot of hope building and in front of me. I feel as if as soon as I proclaimed that, it gave the enemy a target to attack. After that email Alessandro (my Italian teacher friend) and I haven't been able to meet for the past 4 or 5 weeks for various reasons, two of my students that I was getting close with have had our scheduled plans for the weekends canceled twice for different reasons, and separation from the rest of the classes seems to grow. I don't want to give up hope because He cares too much, but it's a little emptying.

Along with these lack of relationships, we went through our Chinese semester critics which involves little positive feedback, but alot of criticism of things we could improve on or aren't doing well on. (I know my teaching is that well, it's not what comes easy, but I was starting to get a grip of it and I've had about 3 weeks now of what's wrong with my teaching, and I learned that I don't take criticism too well.) All things to work on. Our team leader, Dave, has been sick for the past 2 weeks and has went to the doctor/hospital 4 or 5 times to get tests run and them try to figure it out. In the process, I've been able to help by teaching some of his classes. It's only an extra two classes, but it's another lesson plan and less time to prepare for the rest of it. This also hit at the same time that I wrapped up Midterms so I was trying to finish grading all of them and give good feedback (which I have yet to have time to do with the extra classes.)

Other issues involve my lack of classroom management. I know I'm not very good at it, I don't want to be mean and I'm too much of a people pleaser to be strict, but I'm learning how to do it. I know my weaknesses (and am learning more of them) and am trying to fix them and work on them. The bad part about this is spring time involves the kids being more antsy so every lesson plan has to be stepped up a notch to keep them active and interested. Still on the other hand, I'm not sure what to do if/when they realize that there's nothing I can really do to them if they talk in Chinese or just don't talk. I mean I can drop their grade, but to some it's not enough and when some start talking in Chinese then the whole class goes down hill and it's like trying to steer a car with a flat tire - you do all you can just to keep the wheel semi-straight and on task. So I feel like I am much meaner in class which doesn't help boost positive relationships.

With extra teaching, more lesson planning, warmer weather (and my realization of how much I miss green, dirt, trees, and mountains), and lack of good relationships, and knowing I'll be home soon, it increases my longing to for America and the temptation to just want to just give in and go ahead and prepare to come back grows. The temptational thought of "well, you'll be back next year, you can just finish then" tries to come around. This is not how I usually think so I know that these thoughts are temptations and not things to listen to or follow. Either way, hearing them all the time everyday does seem to increase the weight of them while wearing down the defense against them.  It really does make this a "long spring."

I need Him to come through. I need Him to work. I need Him to encourage me. and I also need to walk in trust of what He has said even when I can't see, feel, or know these things that I long for. Two months is a really long time that I can't just pack up and coast in and I have keep fighting the lie to coast in. I'm not satisfied with things here, I'm not satisfied to leave now. This is not finishing strong, this is not the way I want to leave things. I ask that you continue to lift us up with truth, strength, energy, the ability to be good teachers, for our students to be attentive, focused, and eager to learn, to combat the lies, to be satisfied in Him and not the idea of a more familiar comfortable lifestyle, and for... whatever else. I said I have nothing and I am nothing and living in another country/surrendered to Him really proves that to you in every facet you once had pride in. I am not, but He is.... I am not, but He is.... I need to remember that today. I ask that as you are lifting others up you continue to remember us and ask fervently because... well, we are nothing. Thank you for your love.