I lost the argument, but He won the night,

Another story of how I wasn't good enough, but He came through anyways.

We were traveling back up from Krabi to Bangkok (throughout Thailand) in an overnight bus filled with foreigners and natives alike. I was a little frustrated because Jordan had been getting to talk to all of these people and I hadn’t. I was writing out some thoughts I had for Him and kind of complaining about how I wanted to talk too. While in the process of writing this the guy next to me see’s my book about someone who went to serve in Haiti. “M trip, Hu? Haiti?” “Hu?” I responded taken back. “Oh, oh yeah.”  “So are you an M?” “No, I’m just a teacher.” I responded, gulping harder than before.

We started talking, he was from Georgia/Minnesota, about 26ish, and was just traveling around at this point. Sold it all and seeing the world before maybe settling down to get a job. (Not unlike too many other people I met along the way.) I asked lots of questions about his background getting to know him, and the conversation slowly made it’s way back into more of a “world culture” basis. Over the next… 1.5-2 hours we talked heavily about this topic. What I believed, why I believed it, and why I should be wrong about it. Looking back, I realized now he was more of a shark on the hunt rather than someone honestly open to talking. At the time, I was just wanting to be humble, honest, and truthful. He brought up other world religions and tried to tie them all into one. I brought what little apologetics I had to the table.  I thought they were usually sufficient enough (although a few days earlier, I felt Him suggest that I need to be more specific with these details and my knowledge). One by one he wouldn’t accept what I said, he had further deeper thoughts that didn’t always make sense trying to go against them. He did have interesting questions, but I had interesting questions too that he refused to acknowledge or answer.  Sweeping much under the rug and going into attack mode when he smelled blood in the water. I’ll admit, he definitely won the argument. I had nothing to say, and I was ready to be out of the conversation long before it was over. I tried to explain its not that I want to prove everyone else wrong, it’s that He’s given me so much love that I can’t sit still with it. It’s like drinking coffee and trying to sit still, it doesn’t work. I need to give it out. At this point though, it wasn’t joyous love that was emanating out, it was pain and some frustration in my lacking and the result of this conversation. It’s not that I cared about losing, but I didn’t want him to have the pleasure of thinking he just crossed another one off his list or that he made someone else disbelieve what they think. He didn’t want anyone to believe what he believed, he just didn’t want anyone to believe anything.  He tore apart all sorts of thinking, probably so that he wasn’t accountable for it. I was beat. I was worn out. I had nothing to say. I was asking desperately that the next stop was his. “ I can’t do this all night. I can’t do this anymore now! Please, let the next stop be his.” I don’t like giving up on people, but it was way beyond me and I was worn out and trying my hardest not to let him see me cry. I was just beat.

Thankfully, the next stop… was his. We stopped and he jumped up with surprise and took off the bus with a quick “nice talking to you”. I couldn’t honestly say the same. It turns out the bus stop was where we were getting food for the night (we left at 4:30 in the afternoon, it was now about 8pm). I got off the bus to walk over to Jordan and just ask for Support because I was beat and I had nothing left.  He was a seat in front of us and having his own conversation and said, “yeah, I overheard part of it. Sounded kinda rough.”  As we waited in line after ordering our food “Chick Pad Thai” I had the stupid, crazy idea that I should get my new “friend” some food. (Well crap. I was trying my hardest to avoid him in this little store incase he wanted to start talking again. I was eagerly awaiting his transferring departure on the next bus.) Yeah, it was stupid, but I leaned over the counter and asked for 1 more pad thai.  The food came up and I took a deep breath and walked over. 

“You like chicken pad thai.” I said as I put my hand on his shoulder and the food in front of him. “Do I like it? What… you.. don’t want it? What’s wrong with it?” “Nothing.” “What are you doing?” “I’m Loving you.” The words came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. “I’m loving you.” His whole demeanor changed, suddenly the face of a little boy who was caught stealing candy, or the boy who just got the red bicycle he really wanted but he knew how much it costs. It’s surprise and hurt and overwhelmed by love. “I told you, I can’t sit still.” I joked and patted him on the back and quickly turned before he wanted to further our conversation.

I walked back into the line to wait for the rest of the food. A few minutes later he walked over and said in somewhat confusion, “wait, so not only did you get me food, but you gave me the first one?” “Yep.” “hu…” was all his extensive vocabulary came up with. I was very excited He was coming through because I had no more words and definitely didn’t feel victorious at any point.  He stood around talking with Jordan and I more about casual stuff, his family, where he went to school, what he studied, “Yoga – aka eastern philosophy and religion.” That explains a lot. As he was talking he leaned back on the chair and a SNAP! The chair broke. Before anyone could begin to breathe again after the gasp that they let out, the owner stated “400 baht.” Say what?! “New chair, 400 baht.” He repeated without looking up.

“No way” our new friend contested. “It’s not worth that much.” After about 1 min of silence, he walks back over and says, “ok… so … what would you do?” Honestly, asking my opinion of what is the right thing to do in this situation, yet trying to casually play it off, the fear in his face told me it wasn’t anything casual. “um…” I started asking for Solomon’s wisdom. I walked over and tried to talk the owner down in the price but no go. Then, the answer came to me.  I got out my wallet and started to count out the money. “What are you doing?!” He exclaimed. “I’m paying the debt that I don’t owe because someone paid the debt that I owed.”  “What? NO!” I repeated it giving more explanation. “But your not J-man!” I laughed. “I know. But I’m trying to be like him.”  He just stared at me in slight humiliation, shock, and amazement. (I was amazed too. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.)  “No. No don’t. Please. Let me take care of it. Please, let me take care of it. It’s not worth that.” He begged and pleaded. Our bus was all packed up and about ready to leave and they were yelling at me to go. I looked him in the eye. Full of fear and a world that had just been upside down. “I know your trying to make a point, I get it. I appreciate it and all, but please just go. Go. I’ll take care of it.” There was something that just told me that I shouldn’t push it. What told me to put my money back in my wallet was not the resentment of losing it, it was the love for him to honor his wish.

I walked away and got back on the bus, worn out. Jordan was pumped, “dude that was awesome!” I was more exhausted that anything else. My heart still broken maybe from before, maybe for him. It was Jordan, who a few days earlier reminded me that it was all His money anyways, so whatever He asks us to do with it we should do. It’s like the bank taking your money then not giving it back to you when you want it.  I definitely lost the argument.  I’m not sure if I said anything that He even remembered, but I know that He won the night. It’s amazing what a 35 baht ($1.05) meal could do when served to someone who just spanked you in the ground.  It was all Him. It took me a few days just to emotionally/supernaturally recover from that 2 hour conversation. That memory of Him loving His enemies will forever remain in my mind.