How does He feel about me?

Click this video and let it start to load as you read the blog:

You Are Beautiful

Last year, I had the overwhelming lesson that I am His. Although this year it seems like that’s a difficult concept to grasp. When I read the Word, and as I walk throughout my day, I hear more and more of the things I’m not doing. I often feel like the Father’s forehead meets the palm of His hand with a deep sigh when He thinks about me or watches me. Hearing “why aren’t you just doing it? Can’t you try a little harder? How come everyone else can do it, but you can’t seem to do it right? You need to spend more time with me, more time. It’s not enough. If you want breakthrough you need to spend more time on your knees, fast more, read more, spend more time!” Then I’m reminded of often the struggle to stay awake during my knee time and the empty readings in the morning – as if it’s a promise that it’s going to happen again and nothing will work. This bad taste in my mouth is left for seemingly all of the things of Him reading and falling asleep – the feeling of not getting what I should be getting, Thinking but not listening well – and not getting what I was supposed to be Thinking for, fasting but suffering the pains of hunger without focusing my time on Him or having any real connection with Him, getting away to be left out of other things and being useless here.

Then there’s the personal characteristics. You act so immature. You’re not really a good teacher, sure you made it through last year, but you’re fading this year. It’s actually going worse. I’m not sure you’re going to make it through. You should probably quit. You’re not even having good conversations with people like you used to. Why don’t you listen and do the right thing? Your student’s don’t really like you this year, they don’t understand you, all your tricks you used for the first year have grown old and now they don’t care. You have nothing left to offer. You’re stagnant so that what you are giving out is stagnant too.

So many things laced with so much guilt and shame and needed effort to try harder. Once I’m able to annunciate it, I know it’s not from Him… but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hear that voice a lot. It’s hard not to believe all these bad things about you when you hear them all the time. The evil one will use the Truth and add in his own versions and ingredients and send it back to us. Although there is truth in that, this is not the way the Father speaks to us. It’s not due to guilt because we’re not doing enough. He says it’s by grace we’re saved, by faith that we’re justified, and everything we do is because of the Son living in us.

My teammate see’s this divine conversation in a much different way than I often hear. She says “His heart is moved and rejoices even when we spend one minute with Him. Because He loves us so much, He rejoices when we whisper His name or simply turn out hearts towards Him.” He calls us to Him because He loves us and asks for more time because His heartbreaks without outs. (His heart broke enough that He moved the Heavens to come be made flesh on earth to make a way to unite us.) He calls us because He loves us – like a lover waiting for their loved one to come home so they can spend time together talking and loving each other and He can give her the presents/presence He has for her. I often find see Him though as a cold school teacher or coach waiting for you in the classroom or gym ready to rag on me for not studying hard enough or putting enough time in. “Other people were in here. They put time in. Look at them. …and you’re supposed to be a leader. Pssh. Get in there and get to work. I don’t have time for this.”

This has carried out even into my classroom. What we receive and hear is what we will pass on: good or bad, forgiveness or shame, love or

I keep hearing and focusing what I’m “doing” or “not doing” for and with the Father. This gets carried out as I focus on my students English level. I want it to improve so much that I’ve separated the English level from the person and I focus on the English level. I often get frustrated at the person because they’re not trying or they don’t understand or they’re not listening. But if I realized that the Father rejoices about even one time that I turn my heart to Him then I would be ecstatic when they turn and listen to me or even try to speak in English. I separate the person and what’s going on in their life to just “improve their English, it’s what they need” and it becomes again about what they’re doing and the tools they have rather than the person – just like it becomes about what I’m doing for Him and the gifts He’s given/taken away from me rather than just the fact that He loves me and rejoices when we spend time together.

Even know I know this fact, it’s a hard thing to rewire into my brain. I ask that you lift me up and really our team in this, but really all believers everywhere. That we would remember that He loves us and we’re driven to Him because He’s calling with open arms for an embrace not a guilty look and a raised hand. He poured out all of His wrath for me on the Son. He has no guilt for me. There is no guilt in the Son. There is no condemnation. We have freedom and a relationship. Conviction only leads us to experience His love better. I want this and need it. My students need it. My teammates need it. This country needs it. This world needs it. Please ask that we all (including you) see the Father for the Father and not as a twisted version we are taught or told.

You can go back and enjoy the video now. It’s a “Spoken Word” piece by a guy that goes to my old teammates new school back in the States. I’ve watched it probably 12 times in the last 24 hours. It’s awesome. Hope you enjoy and realize that you are beautiful.