"I've got a good testimony..."

That's how our boy G started the conversation as he sat down in our weekly guys study.

"I've got a good testimony..." 

Ok. Sweet. I thought. Maybe he got to share with a classmate or something?

 "This morning, I was Talking to the Father and thinking. I have been a Believer for already one and a half years now... and I have never discipled anyone. One and a half years! I should have been disciplining someone by now. I mean one and half a years. No one! So I started to Ask for it." 

I dont remember the rest of the story, but it involved a classmate wanting "inner peace" as she struggled with some times in her life and has been looking into being a Believer for that. She "has so many people around her who are believers" (aka 4 people, which in G's mind is sooo many.) She wanted to go to the fellowship and asked if they would have like a celebration or something for her if she became one. "Probably not" he answered, "but if you want to, I can show you how?"

The next thing I know G and Tannah (her old teacher and my teammate) were eating dinner with her and they explained "the basic things about J came, died, came back to life again, the Father made everything, and we can follow Him to go heaven." She liked it, believed it, accepted it and is now a sister! Tan had an extra book to give her and G was smiling from ear to ear. "It's so cool that He hears me and answers like that."

Awesome things that 1) He's been a believer for a year and a half and he's bothered he hasn't discipled anyone yet. I know hundreds of people who are Believers who have never discipled anyone and they've been in for years. 2) We have a new sister! She now knows hope, love, peace, joy, faithfulness, contentment, etc. 3) That G is pursuing to share his story more. 4) His perspective is Bookical - "He hears me!" was his greatest joy. (Lk10:20)  5) Two more weeks and He's not done yet!

Single & Satisfied?

Hi. My name is Abram and I'm single.

I'll be honest, for most of my life I've struggled with this. I've always wanted a girlfriend. It started out because having a girlfriend was cool in junior high school and in high school it proved you weren't a loser (so I thought). In college, I began to realize a difference idea towards dating that it should be more for a future spouse. Then I felt like I needed a girlfriend to prove that I was mature and growing up. I looked at society and what they say is mature and that meant - having a job, paying your own bills, having your own place, taking care of yourself, settling down, getting a job, house, wife, etc.

I did the anti-"growing up" thing and moved back in with my  parents for a few months while transitioning to come to China. I "have a job" that I have to raise support for (which makes me feel like I'm a kid that I need others to take care of me), I have temporary housing that was set up and provided for me (because I'm a guest/worker for a company/can't speak or talk in Chinese), I can't do most things by myself and always have to ask for help (because I can't speak Chinese), and as far as getting a wife...I made a promise not to date for a year and moved to the other side of the planet where the options were much slimmer even if I did want to.

I'm so glad I did. In relationship realm, I have learned that most of my life this issue has been stuck in not being content and affirmed by what the Father says about me. I've wanted a girl to tell me all the things that He should be. "Wow, you're great. You're awesome. I'm glad you're mine. I'm so proud of you. I love you. I'm not letting go. I'll always be here. I want to show you off. I want to sit and talk for ever. I want to be showered by your love. You're mine." It's someone to come home to at the end of the day and share life with. Someone to encourage when they're down. Someone to think of little surprises and ways to love them throughout their day. Someone to text about how class went or to make sure they made it when traveling safely. I realize these are all good things coming from the right person, and many of them we've worked through and learned how to take responsibility, what a relationship is actually supposed to look like, and learning to pursue a woman for her growth not your pleasure, but still have more to work through and some I don't even know yet, but that's okay.

This year in the process, I learned a few things that was encouragement for me. To save time, we'll put it this way. Many times I feel like G just puts ideas in my head that I dont really think about. Many times they're ways to encourage our Sisters. This semester the girls had a slumber party so as the guys we got together, dressed up, and took them flowers with a poem we wrote them. Some guys were tracking along, some guys had never heard of this idea before. One of the guys is engaged, so they expected something kind of like that from him - but it was an encouragement to them and perhaps to the other guys of how to step it up and as a single guy this is what we can be doing in the waiting. If I was interested in one of the girls it would have been tainted motivation. If I was dating someone it would have been ruled out, but just plain Fatherly affection flowing to our sisters gave the girls hope in the character or guys and a challenge to the guys of what we can do be doing as singles. (This is not a boasting time, this is because other guys have shown this to me, my parents raised me well, and G's wants to love people better than I can think.)

Essentially, the point is similar to singing. I want to be able to sing well. I want to sing loud to Him and for Him. I want to be able to sing for my wife. For a long time, I didn't sing out in w.ship because I could hear myself and it was embarrassing. When all the people who can sing and singing beside you it makes you super aware of how bad you're singing is. Lately, He's shared with me that even though I can't sing well, when I sing out to Him it gives others the freedom to openly express themselves no matter how good or bad it sounds.  - As with dating, I might not be there yet but going full force shows others what it means to go full force. Even though I would rather have a girlfriend/singing abilities, He wants me to use what I have now and in my lacking it shows that you don't need "everything" to serve and love well. When you go/serve/love/step out in your imperfection it challenges and encourages others to do the same and not wait until everything's in tune to go.

So at times the point I make and still struggle saying everyday is "if my singleness/rough singing will encourage other women in their hope for men, other men to step it up, and both to sing out to you no matter how it sounds, I'll be single and sing bad for the rest of my life." It'd be really cool if I could, but if not, I want to be used to encourage others along the way.

(I share all of this in case your single and frustrated or lonely...and "waiting patiently" but still antsy. Just wanted to encourage you that you're not the only one, but here's some encouragement that the Father has shown me that I know He can and wants to do in your life too.)

20 more minutes - he would have been in.

There 3 weeks left in the country and no sign of slowing down. One of our guys, we'll call him the Terminator, has been talking to one of his friends who has noticed the changed in him. Josh (other foreign teacher) got to talk and share with the new guy. He was open to it and taking it in. He came in tonight to join our study where we were just going to talk and hang out.

Throughout the evening as we talked he asked a few questions and our guys jumped in sharing stories and lessons.  The new guy, "Bob", discussed how he just felt like He had done too many things.  Then the confessions started. Going around the circle guy after guy became admitting things they used to do and how they had changed. What's cool is guys were bragging on other guys!  One guy bragged on another that he had stopped playing video games (a huge addiction and time waster of Chinese students). He hung his head a little bit. "I cancelled it (deleted it) once, but then downloaded it again. Then I cancelled it again, but downloaded it again. Now I cancelled it... but when I dare to go back in the evenings to the dorm... I just sit there. I don't know what to do anymore." As we shared there was everything from smoking, to video games, to pornography, to masturbation, and on.

At another point he asked how long it took the other guys to believe. As our Boy G shared it took him like a year and half, Bob asked if he still did bad things during that time. We explained we now still make mistakes, but we're forgiven.

Long and the short of it - Bob had more info inserted in him tonight than he had time to process. I'm thinking once he gets to process and realize it, it will be soon. He realizes he needs forgiveness and is searching for truth and for love and acceptance. Please Lift up for his protection and against distraction from the enemy.

The other cool thing was to see how the guys jumped in and shared their stories and their lessons they learned. They are sharing what they think, but to get to see it in person is awesome. They were all in on it and playing off each other (and it was all in English). I feel so blessed by it. It was awesome.

(Other fun times too, including teaching them how to throw a fly plate (frisbee), making vanilla pudding and giving them crushed up oreo's and some m&m's and chex mix (thank you to those of you who passed it on) and showed them how to put it all together for "MeiGuo de Magic" (American Magic). I think we're slowly plumping them up or creating sugar addicts based on the amount of sweets we go through on Thursday nights, but they dig it each time.)

Meeting Him

This weekend I got to talk to a student of mine while on the bus from the park with her classmates. She's a Believer so I started asking about her and her parents story. Her mom became a Believer when the student was about 8 or 10. Her dad's still not a believer but they pr for him a lot AND last year he came to the fellowship for Christmas!

I asked how she became a believer and she described how when she was 12, she had a "a bad illness. A cough." (Which could be a lot of things, but these are the words we both knew.) The doctors couldn't do anything to help her so her mom took her to the fellowship for people to pr for her.  G showed up and did what He does and healed her and she became a Believer. She went on to comment that, "I think most of the people in China are believers because the G healed them"

I'm not sure the reliability in this statement, but I do hear a lot of stories going around that I can't wait to share and hope to see more of on both sides of the Ocean.  Please though, pr for her and her relationship. She said she doesn't pr and she feels lazy because of it. I'm not sure exactly how consistent it is, but I just dont think she's fully locked on yet. Also, pr against the lie that she hears that she thinks that G doesn't love her. It's one of the worst lies that's an assault on the very character of the Father. She's the only Believer in her class so another few would be nice to encourage her/each other along while bringing the rest of the class on board too. ;)

Our Dreamer Update

If you remember back to last summer, I shared the story of one of my students who met J in a dream. She started to believe, but then realized she couldn’t have a belief and be in the Party so she dropped her belief and the dream. What I love about getting to stay 2 years and Chinese people is that they work hard at things, so now she can explain more of what happened.  Here’s the update.

This weekend Tannah, my teammate, went home with 3 of the girls to their village, Billy Gram Jr., the dreamer, and another student.  Tannah was warned by Jr. that the dreamer didn’t’ like to talk about it at all. Apparently, she had seen J dying on the cross and was scared. (Not the scared you’re thinking of…) The type of scared that someone could love her that much. If He loves me that much, I don’t think I can be a Believer because I’m not good enough. She shared how she’s scared by that type of love and that He went through all of that for her.  

She confessed how she didn’t understand how He would accept her after she and her family had bowed down to her ancestors’ graves and pr- to them. She didn’t understand how He would accept someone who had went and slept with her boyfriend and on and on.

Tannah described obedience as when you’re in a relationship and your boyfriend says “hey can you do me a favor?” and you say “of course!” It’s like that. The Father asked, “Tannah, will you wait until to sleep with a boy until you get married?” “Sure, J.”  She explain how it’s like that, we do these things because we get J out of the deal. We do them out of love. “Oooohhhh.” As things inside began to click.

On the way back, the dreamer said. “I think having a religion is good. I really want to have a religion but I just don’t think I can.” (Religion here doesn’t have the negative, condemning, works based connotation that it does in America. Here it’s the word the further developed word they know for “having a belief.”) I’m afraid that when I’m a Believer and my parent have taught and want me to bow down to my ancestors because it’s cultural. But how can I do that when I know what He’s done for me.”  Tannah challenged her to take the next month and just ask the Father that everyday what she should do with that. “Oh. Oh, ok.” She said with determination.  Please, let’s join in and help her come home! Continue to lift for us and we for you. He is big and we want to take G-sized steps. I don’t want to get in the way and make Him stutter-step.  

Give us all strength to pursue, the boldness to do so, the peace to rest when needed, and the wisdom of what to do in the whole process. For Your Beautiful Name, So-Be-It.

A different Faithful

Two nights I had to laugh at the idea that the phrase "He is faithful" is not the same as "he is Faithful." I've been teaching my kids about connotation and denotation. Denotation is the meaning of the word, connotation is the feelings or implied meaning. For example "cut the cheese" denotative means "to slice cheese with a knife" but we all know the connotation means "to fart."  Advertisers use connotation all the time to elicit your emotions for or against something: abortion can be defined as "pro-life" or "murdering babies." The connotations of these are much different. I've also learned that the same word means very different things "Dad" could mean a combination of "a father, comfort, love, gentleness, a man, bold, authoritative, strict, mean, controlling, absent, hurtful, drunk, bitterness, etc." depending on how you view your dad. I realize that I have a lot of negative connotations based on past experience when it comes to different words. One of which was "H.Spirit" which we've talked about before. I realized two nights ago that my connotative definition of faithful was changing.

I had to laugh at the idea that the phrase "He is faithful" is not the same as "he is Faithful."

 As I've not been sleeping well, tired, frustrated and battling lies/convictions about not doing enough or not spending my time wisely or seeking comfort rather than rest - I've been kind of drained. I've been upset about my time here. It comes in waves - sometimes I see what He's doing and other times I feel like He doesn't even hear me. Unfortunately, it's been in the same day too many times.

This morning I was relieved to be reminded and told in my heart that His faithfulness is not my faithfulness. Ironically, this is the passage I used last summer to share:

The saying is trustworthy, for:

"If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful-"

for he cannot deny himself. (2Tim2:11-13)

Essentially it comes down to this. Even if you are faithless. even if you didn't do what you were supposed to do. Even if you failed miserably. Even if you sat on your butt and did nothing - that does not mean that He did. He is faithful to finish the work He started. He is faithful to do what He promised. It's not about what you did, it's about what He did and what He is doing. So you could do jack squat but He could save the nation. He care's more about them than you do, and He wants them in more than you do, He is the one who's going to be doing it. He is the one who is Faithful. He has never failed, never given up, and never quit. HE IS FAITHFUL.

He's also strong. As a quick side note, I forget His power is not limited to me and what I do. Here's a good example of what I had nothing to do with, but He had a lot to do with and this shows what He can do. So what's a little lacking or hard heart for him to overcome?

Good point. I see you dont really need me after all. It's about you reaching them. I don't have to do jack squat for you to reach them. It's all You either way. Thanks for the reminder. Now, I feel more free to Love knowing it's You who has to come through and it's You who will come through through whoever You like. I'm open. Use me. If not, just keep preparing me for a life worthy of You.

Faithful

Last summer, as I shared about my time in China, two phrases stuck out as a common theme, He is Big and He is faithful. These two things seem to be under the most attack of doubt this year. 

As I welcomed my new freshman and let them chose English names, I was intrigued by the choice of one boy, Faithful. "This is interesting. :)" I thought. Now, 8.5 months later, I should have recognized that it was a sign of where I should be going, but not to expect the same.

Some people are really easy to love, when you see them your heart jumps and is excited, you think what they do is cute and funny, and you talk about them a lot. You genuinely enjoy spending time with them, (even if the language barrier is difficult at times and tiring.) Then there's other people who sometimes you want to jump in another room so you dont have to talk to them. When you see them, everything in you sinks a little because you know the focus and energy it's going to take from you. I know it sound horrible, but it's often true and I dont want it to be. It's been an honest struggle and currently wearing me out. I feel like the Father has put Him there for a reason, but even that took me some time to see. For the longest time, I just wanted to get through the conversations - which are 80% about "the skill of pronunciation" and the other 17% often sounds like an inspirational speech/sales pitch but with high Chinese mentality. The remaining 3% is potentially silence or choppy answers when I ask questions such as "how was your day?," "what do you want to eat?" or "What are you going to do this weekend?" He often waits for me outside of my class which kind of kills the free time or mingling afterwards. You can count on the fact that Friday afternoon after my class, he will be there saying "do you have some plans?" In my selfishness/own mind, I often just want 30 min/hour after all my classes of the week to just sit and think or to go do something fun or to relax - but I found I have to have plans now for that question that awaits me at 3:20 every Friday afternoon. 

After a few months of just trying to get through the conversations, the Father finally showed me there's a reason he's in front of me. He's one of the people I need to be pouring into. By His grace and the HS changing my mind, we had a new perspective on the conversation. He was there for me to share life with. I also learned how so much of the time we accept what's good or bad based upon what others think is cool or not. Most people can't stand him and due to his 3-30 min monologues, lack of questions about you, intense vocabulary and speech like conversations. He's also just socially awkward and very one-track minded. Looking past these things and saying, Ok, how can I love you? The Father has given me the mindset to just think on that level and listen a lot.  He's also taught me how to be more assertive, direct, and blunt in conversations as I often have to cut in and say something that to me seems harsh - but otherwise it's not happening. 

As great as this sounds, it's very tiring on me at times. Sometimes I KNOW the Father is working through me as I'm not tired and I feel like I'm growing a lot and I'm going to be a good dad, husband, and a superBeliever. Other times likes last night, I wanted to just slap that stupid vocabulary out of him and have a real conversation. There's so much Chinese thought of if I try harder, do better, am more persistent then I can do it. I believe in myself. "Every human has unlimited potential to do whatever he wants," he told me many times. "Do you really believe that?" I asked. "If that's true, why isn't everyone successful? Why isn't everyone happy? Why doesn't everyone have their dreams?" He responds with a certain confidence in his answer, "The lack the spirit of perseverance." I drop my head because I know this train of thought that we've went down so many times: try harder, let experiences form you, don't give up, keep trying and one day you'll reach your dreams. If you dont, you haven't tried hard enough. I try calling him out on it. I try telling him I know old people who have spent their life like this but aren't happy. I just straight out tell him, without the One Man, you won't be happy. Yet each comment I make seems to be a hammer bouncing off a boulder being deflected and only sending tiring vibrations back in to my arm as he refers to men like Napoleon or a famous Chinese interpreter. He names 1 out of millions and says "they persisted and tried hard enough."  It wears me out because I know it's not true and I know it's wearing him down too but he has so much pressure from his parents who have just straight up told him "Don't disappoint us. Our futures are riding on you. You have to be successful. You have to work hard or you wont get a job, be successful, or take care of us." With an extremist respect towards parents in this culture, that's hard to combat against. 

Today, I'm going with Faithful's class to a park. Yes, his class. All 29 of them. I ask for patience and joy with them. I also Ask that I can say no when I need to and can get to share what's really important to me when I need to also. I dont want to downplay our relationship but I want to give him value and still be honest that it's because G loves him that I love him.

Tomorrow, part 2 of Faithful - G's side.