Lecture?

Random funny event that happened:

My assistant dean asked me (a graphic design major with a semester and 4 weeks of experience of teaching) to give a lecture to the English department faculty (who all of them have degrees in education and some have masters and doctorates) on the trends and techniques of education.

Hahaha! I love the favor we've been given here. I also have to kind of laugh at the fact that we're "foreign experts" and therefore know more than they do on certain things. pssht. I appreciate the humility and eagerness to learn, but I'm not sure they really know who I am.

Technically, she said, "anything you want to talk about" but I'm not sure they were referring to what I want to talk about because she followed it up with "maybe new educational trends or teaching techniques that we could learn from you."

Just Ask.

On Sunday, I was sitting in our big room with our Chinese friends listening to one man speak about this Book He was reading. Of course, it was in Chinese, so I may have drifted off and boarded my own train of thought. I started thinking about how I haven’t really got to spend a lot of time with my students and wanted to more and to share more.

Tuesday night some students texted me and asked me if they could eat lunch with me on Wed or Friday? Pssh, yeah. So Wednesday at lunch I met up with them. Walking there I just started lifting up the conversation and situation and asking that I might be able to talk about what makes me happy. After a while we made our transition though topics and somehow ended up on the topic of gays. “Can you accept this?” one asked me. (Translated that means, “do you agree with this?”) I reminded them who I believed in and then explained that I believe that He created guys one way, and girls another way. They’re both equally beautiful and very good, but they are much different from each other. They’re made to fit together just a certain way as guys are good at one thing and work one way, and girls are good at another and work another way. They fit very well together, but if two guys or two girls try to get together, then they don’t fit too well. They’re missing out on the fullness of what they were made to fit with.

“I have heard someone say, that they were born this way. I cannot accept this. What do you think?” Impressed that I was having this conversation with some of my freshman students, I nodded recognizing her statement and took a breath. (This is where it gets a little tricky to translate.) I tried to explain how there is a Good Man and an Evil One. That the Evil one hates the Good One and wants to hurt Him. (I looked over to see that only one student was keeping up, the others were lost somewhere in translation.) “Have you seen Spiderman?” I transitioned. “Yeah!” they all kicked in. Ok. So in Spiderman the bad guy can’t hurt Spiderman so he tries to hurt the girl that he likes. “Yeah.” It’s the same way with the Evil one and the Good One. Because the Good One loves us so much that the Evil one attacks what He loves to hurt Him. “oh…” (It started to click a little.) So sometimes He will try to separate the girl from Spiderman, and the Evil one tries to separate us from the Good One. He does this many different ways. One way is telling us to do bad things, or things we shouldn’t do that separate us.  He tells “do this it feels better. … well, you feel like this, you should do this. … If this is what you want, then go do it” even if it’s not right. I then tried to carefully explain how guys have the same urges towards girls as guys who struggle with homosexuality struggle with towards guys. But even though guys want to do those, we don’t do them because He said it’s not right.  --- They seemed to be tracking as the conversation took a slight turn and then we clarified that I wasn’t sleeping with all of the girls at Hua Qiao. (Crazy thought I know, but they think what they see on TV is true. Everyone on TV does it, so it must be true and they just assume.  – Have to intentionally make that one awkward to clarify.)

Later that afternoon, one of the Italian teachers came over and asked if I could help him with his spoken English. Sure, I said. Eager to help but ignorant in how exactly I was going to do that with a grown man who knows a good bit already, I sat down and just asked for wisdom and clarification and how to help. We just started talking and learning about each other and I started making notes on mispronunciations and grammar issues we could work on. It moved into the importance of individuals. How China has such a deep culture and so many people, but we often look at it as a financial opportunity. That lead into me agreeing with individuals and a story of a friend who was struggling with some things currently and how much it hurt (ultimately because He hurts) with it. How it blew my mind if there could be this much pain and frustration with the end of one person’s life, how much it would hurt after the Tsunami when hundreds of people died. Not just hundreds to throughout that blanket term, but that’s hundreds of stories. A story about Jane, Mark, Judy, Francis, Jill, Frank, Billy, Iasiah, Josh, Lyle, Claire, Crystal, Susan, Robert, Amy, Lydia, …..

He asked what I thought about the earthquake, did we cause it or is it just a cycle of weather every so many years. I could only think of this Story that I was told recently that makes since in Chinese culture.  I asked him what he thought first and let him share his thoughts. He thinks that we caused part of it due to the way we treat it, we’re not the only cause, but we are one of them. I agreed that I think we did play a part. I explained how I think the earth was created in harmony as a reflection of the Artist. Then there was imperfection, a reflection of humans which lead to disunity. Disunity between  man and man, between man and Artist, between man and nature, between everything. That’s why we don’t feel Him, see Him, understand Him anymore. That’s why people treat each other like crap, why there’s wars all the time. That’s why nature is falling apart around us and we don’t treat it very well either.  Then, if you follow the circle, Perfection came. Perfection fulfilled all that was required and all that was lacking. Perfection also brought back Unity in the relationship again. United within all things and then therefore harmony again. So when these people know, believe, and accept Perfection, they can be unified again and they’re life is different. They live and treat others, treat Him, and treat nature back the way they should and harmony is restored.  … So that’s why I think there’s earthquakes now is because I think so many people are stuck at the Disunity stage and I think the disunity between man and nature is causing part of it. This Book I’m reading says that all of creation and the earth cries out wanting to be restored back to harmony, but still so many people don’t know, don’t believe, or don’t accept, so they’re stuck in disunity.  “Oh yes, that makes sense.” He says. “So where are you?” he asked. “I’m here at the unity/harmony stage.” “Oh, good, good. Very good.” “Where are you?” I reiterated.  “I… I don’t know” he said.

He went on to tell me the story of how he studied Catholicism growing up, but he doesn’t really believe all that that the Man said, like that He was the Son. He told me about how when he was 4 years old he was in a car accident, many very good things happened. 2 minutes after the wreck, there was a car who drove by with a cell phone in their car “in 1982, in Italy! There was a phone in a car! There was maybe only 10 in the country but one of them drove right past!” Also, in that two minutes a doctor drove by and stopped and opened up his throat with a traek because he wasn’t breathing. The wreck happened just off of the interstate so the ambulance was there in 5 min. G had saved his life, but since then, many things happened. He doesn’t go to His house or read the Book or… and he mumbled off.

It was phenominal! We went on to practice a few more things and just talk openly. We just talked. He’s going to come back every Wednesday afternoon and we’ll sit down and work on some English and practice talking.  He’s an awesome guy to talk to and very open to the Reality of the situation we live in. I’m very glad that I get to know him and just hang out with him. I’m super glad that I get to know Him and hang out with Him too – that He comes in and answers when I call, complain, or even just ask.  I’m also glad you sat down to read all of this too. Whew. Thank you for that. I’ll quit talking now, but just wanted to share His coolness. Love you all.

I lost the argument, but He won the night,

Another story of how I wasn't good enough, but He came through anyways.

We were traveling back up from Krabi to Bangkok (throughout Thailand) in an overnight bus filled with foreigners and natives alike. I was a little frustrated because Jordan had been getting to talk to all of these people and I hadn’t. I was writing out some thoughts I had for Him and kind of complaining about how I wanted to talk too. While in the process of writing this the guy next to me see’s my book about someone who went to serve in Haiti. “M trip, Hu? Haiti?” “Hu?” I responded taken back. “Oh, oh yeah.”  “So are you an M?” “No, I’m just a teacher.” I responded, gulping harder than before.

We started talking, he was from Georgia/Minnesota, about 26ish, and was just traveling around at this point. Sold it all and seeing the world before maybe settling down to get a job. (Not unlike too many other people I met along the way.) I asked lots of questions about his background getting to know him, and the conversation slowly made it’s way back into more of a “world culture” basis. Over the next… 1.5-2 hours we talked heavily about this topic. What I believed, why I believed it, and why I should be wrong about it. Looking back, I realized now he was more of a shark on the hunt rather than someone honestly open to talking. At the time, I was just wanting to be humble, honest, and truthful. He brought up other world religions and tried to tie them all into one. I brought what little apologetics I had to the table.  I thought they were usually sufficient enough (although a few days earlier, I felt Him suggest that I need to be more specific with these details and my knowledge). One by one he wouldn’t accept what I said, he had further deeper thoughts that didn’t always make sense trying to go against them. He did have interesting questions, but I had interesting questions too that he refused to acknowledge or answer.  Sweeping much under the rug and going into attack mode when he smelled blood in the water. I’ll admit, he definitely won the argument. I had nothing to say, and I was ready to be out of the conversation long before it was over. I tried to explain its not that I want to prove everyone else wrong, it’s that He’s given me so much love that I can’t sit still with it. It’s like drinking coffee and trying to sit still, it doesn’t work. I need to give it out. At this point though, it wasn’t joyous love that was emanating out, it was pain and some frustration in my lacking and the result of this conversation. It’s not that I cared about losing, but I didn’t want him to have the pleasure of thinking he just crossed another one off his list or that he made someone else disbelieve what they think. He didn’t want anyone to believe what he believed, he just didn’t want anyone to believe anything.  He tore apart all sorts of thinking, probably so that he wasn’t accountable for it. I was beat. I was worn out. I had nothing to say. I was asking desperately that the next stop was his. “ I can’t do this all night. I can’t do this anymore now! Please, let the next stop be his.” I don’t like giving up on people, but it was way beyond me and I was worn out and trying my hardest not to let him see me cry. I was just beat.

Thankfully, the next stop… was his. We stopped and he jumped up with surprise and took off the bus with a quick “nice talking to you”. I couldn’t honestly say the same. It turns out the bus stop was where we were getting food for the night (we left at 4:30 in the afternoon, it was now about 8pm). I got off the bus to walk over to Jordan and just ask for Support because I was beat and I had nothing left.  He was a seat in front of us and having his own conversation and said, “yeah, I overheard part of it. Sounded kinda rough.”  As we waited in line after ordering our food “Chick Pad Thai” I had the stupid, crazy idea that I should get my new “friend” some food. (Well crap. I was trying my hardest to avoid him in this little store incase he wanted to start talking again. I was eagerly awaiting his transferring departure on the next bus.) Yeah, it was stupid, but I leaned over the counter and asked for 1 more pad thai.  The food came up and I took a deep breath and walked over. 

“You like chicken pad thai.” I said as I put my hand on his shoulder and the food in front of him. “Do I like it? What… you.. don’t want it? What’s wrong with it?” “Nothing.” “What are you doing?” “I’m Loving you.” The words came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. “I’m loving you.” His whole demeanor changed, suddenly the face of a little boy who was caught stealing candy, or the boy who just got the red bicycle he really wanted but he knew how much it costs. It’s surprise and hurt and overwhelmed by love. “I told you, I can’t sit still.” I joked and patted him on the back and quickly turned before he wanted to further our conversation.

I walked back into the line to wait for the rest of the food. A few minutes later he walked over and said in somewhat confusion, “wait, so not only did you get me food, but you gave me the first one?” “Yep.” “hu…” was all his extensive vocabulary came up with. I was very excited He was coming through because I had no more words and definitely didn’t feel victorious at any point.  He stood around talking with Jordan and I more about casual stuff, his family, where he went to school, what he studied, “Yoga – aka eastern philosophy and religion.” That explains a lot. As he was talking he leaned back on the chair and a SNAP! The chair broke. Before anyone could begin to breathe again after the gasp that they let out, the owner stated “400 baht.” Say what?! “New chair, 400 baht.” He repeated without looking up.

“No way” our new friend contested. “It’s not worth that much.” After about 1 min of silence, he walks back over and says, “ok… so … what would you do?” Honestly, asking my opinion of what is the right thing to do in this situation, yet trying to casually play it off, the fear in his face told me it wasn’t anything casual. “um…” I started asking for Solomon’s wisdom. I walked over and tried to talk the owner down in the price but no go. Then, the answer came to me.  I got out my wallet and started to count out the money. “What are you doing?!” He exclaimed. “I’m paying the debt that I don’t owe because someone paid the debt that I owed.”  “What? NO!” I repeated it giving more explanation. “But your not J-man!” I laughed. “I know. But I’m trying to be like him.”  He just stared at me in slight humiliation, shock, and amazement. (I was amazed too. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.)  “No. No don’t. Please. Let me take care of it. Please, let me take care of it. It’s not worth that.” He begged and pleaded. Our bus was all packed up and about ready to leave and they were yelling at me to go. I looked him in the eye. Full of fear and a world that had just been upside down. “I know your trying to make a point, I get it. I appreciate it and all, but please just go. Go. I’ll take care of it.” There was something that just told me that I shouldn’t push it. What told me to put my money back in my wallet was not the resentment of losing it, it was the love for him to honor his wish.

I walked away and got back on the bus, worn out. Jordan was pumped, “dude that was awesome!” I was more exhausted that anything else. My heart still broken maybe from before, maybe for him. It was Jordan, who a few days earlier reminded me that it was all His money anyways, so whatever He asks us to do with it we should do. It’s like the bank taking your money then not giving it back to you when you want it.  I definitely lost the argument.  I’m not sure if I said anything that He even remembered, but I know that He won the night. It’s amazing what a 35 baht ($1.05) meal could do when served to someone who just spanked you in the ground.  It was all Him. It took me a few days just to emotionally/supernaturally recover from that 2 hour conversation. That memory of Him loving His enemies will forever remain in my mind.

I have seen and I have been seen. And I… am undone.

I really just wanted to share this with you this morning and what He showed me. I wish I could describe it better, but for somethings, words just won’t suffice.

The way the lightning pierces through the darkness with power and brilliance lighting up the sky reflects the majesty of who You are. It illuminates with majestic authority as You take each step. Oh, Your majesty and power and authority and dominance.

The star dust and the colors that we cannot capture on film or can see with our own eyes, the colors and swirls that we have not yet seen are but a mere glimpse of the glory that emanates from You, the glory that radiates from Your gown is that that fills the skies that we cannot see or begin to fathom how.

Your power resembles that of a hurricane, dominant and unrelenting. But with peace and love at the eye of the hurricane, the very core of Your power. Unbridled Love is the purpose that dictates the power that will destroy anything that gets in between me and You.

Oh, I am undone.

Yet, captivated.


.

A Different Kind of Someone Special this Valentines Day

Now, before you read this thinking I'm a horrible person (which I am, but He still Loves me) or before you think I'm this awesome person (which that's just Him you see) I want you to know that I tell you this story because it's Him shining through and definitely not me. You'll see I'm weak, worn out, nervous, shaking, and well about as lacking as possible.

So if you say Thailand to someone in China, 8 out 10 times they'll laugh and say "oh, lady-boy." A lady-boy is essentially a guy cross-dressed into a female prostitute. But this isn't something they do on the weekends, this is their lifestyle. They are to the point that some of them are more attractive than the girl prostitutes their with. So much of the time, you can't tell whether it's a boy or a girl until you hear him/her speak or you look for the Adams apple. It's not sick, it's not perverted, it's not funny, and it's not something to go make a billboard sign over - it's sad. I mean it is a few of those things, but ultimately, it sucks.  Most of these boys are forced into it at a young age or they're searching for their identity in these villages and this is a way out when they come up with questions. Most of the time - it's not their choice, it's something instilled into/onto them from an early age.

Ok, so let me set the scene. Our hotel was very nice but on the corner of the street that if you walked about 5-10 min down one direction, you were walking through the gauntlet of it all. I can't begin to tell you the shame, frustration, anger, heart-brokenness, weakness, and so many other things I felt in this area... well I can but it would take much longer and take away from the main point  - maybe another post another time. We're sitting near the edge of this main street at a Mike's Burgers (which if you haven't had western food in a long time and get the chance for a bacon cheeseburger with fries - dang man. WOW! I drooled on myself just looking at it and I was ok with it.) but there was a side alley beside it where there tables were and the alley lead to a row of bars filled with ladies willing to "keep you company."

It was about 8pm and we were finishing up dinner. I saw one girl walk by from the bars out to the edge of the street to start her "sales pitch" I saw another one walk by which, I think was a guy. Man, my heart just broke. I sat there and just felt pain and brokenness for these guys and girls. I looked over at Kelsey (sitting across the table who had the same look of pain on her face, with her eyes closed and hand on Tannah,) Calling up for help silently. I felt like that was a good idea to, so I asked: "what do I do? what can I do? what should I do? This sucks. I know you know this sucks, but I'm just saying it, this sucks. What can I do? What do I do?" After a few minutes, I looked up at Kelsey and just admitted, "I don't know what to do." She shook her head in agreement of our uncertainty. "Well," she said, "we can go talk to them and Lift them up. Maybe no one has before." I agreed it was a good idea and we both had our minds set on the second one who we'll just go ahead and assume was a lady-boy. We waited and waited for him/her to walk back out so we could talk. As I waited, I began to shake a little with nervousness. (Oh crap, what happens when she does come back out? What am I gonna say? What can I say? What should I say? I really have nothing to say, but I feel like I should do something?) Another street vendor walked by and tried to sell me yet another bundle of flowers (it was Valentines day), I started to smile and wave her off like the last 8 who tried it, but then a gentle thought went through my head. (Love) (Love her, give her flowers and show her you love her and not for her body). Well, ok. I can do that. After all, that would give me at least 30 seconds of something to talk about.

She still didn't come back out. ... "well, lets go see if we can find her...him. um... yeah." We got up and Kelsey and I began to walk back through there while the other two stayed behind and just lifted us up and whatever was about to happen.  (I'd like to say I proudly walked back through there with His love wafting off of me, and His light glowing around me, I touched people and they were healed, or at least they looked into my eyes and saw a broken compassion for them... ok but no the reality of it was this, I was shaking. Physically shaking. Worse than public speaking in front of hundreds of people. I was walking down an alley of bars with prostitutes hanging out on the edges waiting for me to make a move and I was looking for a certain one to say. . . . something to. I had no idea what to say. No clue what to do or how to do it. I didn't know if I'd find her or where even I should look if I did find her and tried to talk to her. But I felt like I should do it and that it made more sense to do it than not to do it. So somehow I found myself in a quick step back of reality, walking down an alley way looking for a prostitute with flowers in hand and my vocabulary left back with the greasy napkin.) I turned back to Kelsey and made my nervous joking comment, "never really went looking for a prostitute before.. ha.. ha.. uh. yeah."

We walked back through and I wanted to look as if I was on a mission to find her rather than I was just carousing my options. We couldn't find her. So we stood at the back of this strip of bars into a bigger opening with more of the same types of businesses. Bumfuzzled. I literally stood there looking like a scared little boy.  "Ok... now what?" I asked. "what do I do now? I can't find her. Do I leave? No. Do I just talk to someone else? Not quite. Do I ... what do I do?" No answer as I just waited for Him to highlight someone. Someone to come get us or Him to move somehow so that we knew how to move. "Ok, you're going to have to just point someone out or have someone come over or something." That 45 seconds to 90 seconds that we stood there just waiting seemed like it had to have been like 7 or 8 min. I want to throw the flowers in the air and run out like a little kid from a haunted house, but I just gripped them tighter and tried to wait.

Eventually a girl in a yellow shirt motioned us over. "Ok. we'll go here. Thanks." We sat down and there was that long silence and stare of, "ok...now what?" Finally, it just came out of my mouth, "what your name?" I exchanged mine then, "Can I pr for you?" "Hu?" was her response with a smile. Didn't translate. I tried gesturing back and forth and up and down as to explain, "can I ask Him to help you with anything?" She didn't quite understand still so another girl came over to help. After reexplaining myself, she looked at me and then pointed to the first girl and said, "her?" "Yeah!" I thought, "ok, she understands I want to pr for her." "Ok, where do you want to take her?" she responded. Oh crap. I think my gestures weren't very clear and somehow were misinterpreted as I wanted to buy her for the evening. I quickly shook my head no no no no! Then, with my confusion scowl turned to Kelsey beside me for assistance and hoping that she would speak up and it wouldn't be as much of a proposition anymore.  The bar mom came over to help translate the issue and she understood that 4 letter "pr" word. She translated it to the girls, and with a sigh, their shoulders dropped and they turned and walked away.

Well, I was now out of flowers (I had given them to the girl who just turned and put them on the counter - not quite what I had in mind for them.) still didn't have any words to say and felt like our mission had just kind of went kaput. I was about to successfully claim that "well, we were obedient and tried" but yet scurry out of there before He threw out any other options, but before I got to that point I guess I noticed the bartender. The next thing I knew, I was standing next to him talking to him. Suddenly, the wave of peace and energy and all the right words and just groove came over me and I felt much more comfortable. I talked with him for a few minutes and asked if there's anything I could ask the J-man to help him with. Any issues or problems or bad things? He said I could ask for help for his dad to stop drinking. "Yeah, yeah sure. I can do that."  After we lifted that up, I wanted to keep talking to him to further the relationship and show him it wasn't just a come in on our high horse, pr and roll out. So we kept talking. Turns out he's a watercolor artist. That's right. A watercolor artist. I'm an art major. I took watercolor less than a year ago. How appointed was this conversation. We talked art a little bit and he told me his website. He had to go so I asked if he'd be back the next day and he said yes. So I told him I'd be back.

I checked out his website the next day and found out that, he's not too bad. He's still a student but his teacher is phenomenal. I also learned that he used to be a Buddhist monk but has given that up to pursue other interests. I also learned that the day before was his birthday. We all got together and tried to find a sketchpad for to doodle or sketch ideas for his watercolor in but the best we could find in the area was just a small hard cover lined notepad. When we went back, we wished him a "Happy Birthday" and gave him his present. Didn't quite seem to care, but we just wanted to love him anyway. We talked a little bit and he gave us free cokes. He went to go get food so I went with him and got some too but not really any good conversation. I was just there loving him or trying to. Not sure how, but I knew I should be there and something was going on. One good thing was when we asked him how he was doing he said, "better." So I'm not sure what that meant, but I think I know that someone was getting some Lovin'.

I feel like it was the type of relationship that if I was close-by, I'd go back all the time (with my back to the street and everything else) but just go back there to talk with him. Even though he didn't really want to talk, I'd just sit there until he wanted to and let him know how much I loved him. But I'm not. I trust that the good work He started in him would be brought to completion and I'm glad he used us in the process.  His name is Worawuth (but he introduce himself as "Woot" which is much easier to digest and remember).

Tannah, Woot, and Kelsey

I almost didn’t tell you this story because I don’t want it to sound like I’m bragging. (and part of me is kind of proud of it but shouldn’t be) but I wanted to tell you because man I was freaked out, shaking, and started walking without any words to say or knowing what to do. Shoot, I got there and still didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I sat down and stared back and forth at her and our girls blankly like I was a little kid lost and forgot how to talk. But He is the one who showed up, He is the one who put words in our mouths, He is the one who loved them, He is the one who brought that girl to us to lead us there. I wanted to tell this story for His names sake, and to encourage you to do the same. Obviously, prostitution maybe and probably isn’t the best way to go at it, but that it’s alright to not have the words or to be afraid or freaked out or clueless. Shoot, I botched up the process 3 or 4 times before it started to go well, but His grace and plan was stronger than my lack of words or ability to get it right. His grace had more power there than my wrong gestures and messed up. It’s all Him and I want you to see that and to go shaking out into public to love people. I mean it’s His name at stake not yours. He’ll show up and defend it and if not, well it’s Him not you losing face. It was a great few nights of being completely empty and broken and useless but still getting to see Him love people. He’s pretty cool like that.

Well looky here.

Here's just a few pictures from our trip/journey/adventure through China and Thailand.

To see more pictures (and I added captions to tell some of the stories you can click below:

China Pictures

Thailand Pictures

Terracotta Warriors - Xi'an, China

PANDA'S - ChengDu, China

Thai Ronald - Chiang Mai, Thailand

Purchasing Forgiveness - Bangkok, Thailand

Traditional Night Market - ChengDu, China

Back in Action.

A few things I came to realize or notice as we move back further north: the semi-familiar western faces dissolve into a more concentrated Asian population. The heavier concentration isn't just shown in general skin-tone of the crowd but the density also. It's time to get close to your neighbor again as the level of your personal space drops with the temperature. I had forgotten how temperature didn't really matter anymore as to what you wore but more about the calendar. Stepping into the shuttle bus from the plane in ShangHai, I took inventory of all the other Chinese nationals around us wearing sweaters, jackets, down-coats or a mixture of the 3, and then looked at Jordan, standing next to me, in mesh shorts and a t-shirt. I laughed. Granted, it was 45-50 degrees and we hadn't changed or began the layering process but the sufficient amount was not the overkill that our Chinese comrades were rocking out.

After traveling around Asia for this past month I don't feel the overwhelming sense of inadequacy and the hanging fear from the first semester when I tried to...do anything. (take a bus, get groceries, ask for directions, navigate myself even a little, attempt to order food at a restaurant, or buy/bargain for clothes/presents/anything). As Chinese manners dictate you should take care of the foreign friend (whether he's been here for 1 day or 1 year or 31 years) and so that often means over-serving them and it kind of makes me feel like I'm sometimes 5 years old again. It's meant to be good and I appreciate the help, but because I can't communicate doesn't mean I can't think. Unfortunately, it is another world and not even a different train of thought but a different mode of transportation altogether. As you are treated like you can't think, and held by the hand for so long, you start to believe and act like it. --- I know that I'm an American and that we value our independence... and I'm more of an independent American on top of that, I realize this. But this trip that allowed me to explore, make my own choices, take care of myself, and have options and information...and probably just control (or the false sense of it) was really good and encouraging for me. It helps me think and be creative and process things out.  I felt extremely refreshed. I felt like I could breathe again and I understood... something. I enjoyed getting to communicate with people in Thailand in English and talk to strangers again. (yeah, the thing that your parents tell you not to do, I find really fun and interesting - getting to meet people and share with them and love them and just care for them by listening and talking with them.)


As we were away for a few weeks but yet...still here. It helped me step back and reevaulate better. I'm still swimming in arguments for both side as to what next year will hold or where that means I will be, but I could see other things, I could set goals. It's hard to set goals and have an idea for what you want to see happen when you have no idea what tomorrow's gonna look like or what to expect. My goals for this semester is to lesson plan faster (although, I just found out that I have to write an extra LP a week for the first half of the semester), I want to spend more time with my students, I want to spend intentional time learning Chinese, I want to try to incorporate art of some kind into my week (it helps me process and it's what I do naturally), and improve my teaching. I have goals for the classroom too.

I was fighting alot of lies or thoughts at the end of the semester. One of my biggest fears is that if I went home right now, they would just remember me as funny. I don't want to be rememebered for being funny. I mean, yeah that's nice, but when they think back to their foreign teacher Mr. Abram, I don't want "he was very humorous" to be what comes out of their mouth. I want them to know that I love them. I want them to not just know it but feel it. That they would feel loved. That they would somehow know that there is something different about me, something special that somehow they feel loved greater than ever before. That they are loved more than humanly possible. I just want to love them. I want them to know they're loved. More than being funny, or having fun in my class, whether it was easy or hard, even further than how much they learned (which I really do want them to learn alot and succeed), I want them to know that they are Loved and Loved greater than humanly possible. I want them to know that I care and I want them to know why I care and where this Love is coming from.

So yeah. I'm still swimming a bit in uncertainties and new concepts coming from the culture, the language, teaching, and probably more actually from what I'm learning in the Book and with Him. I am extremely thankful for the Thoughts you sent up during the past month for me and my team and our safety and travels and rejuvenation. They were heard and answered.  Oh man, I can't begin to describe. It's funny that to look at it from the outsiders perspective, I just traveled through parts of Asia, met people from all over the world, ended up in Thailand and spent 3 weeks there (one on a beautiful island), but the parts that stick out to me and were the highlights of my trip were the conversations that we were able to have with these people. The people we were able to Love with Truth, and deeds, and Vertical Thoughts and just listening and caring. Oh, I feel like I could tell you stories for weeks as to what He did and let us do. I posted a few along the journey, but there are 2 stories that I'd love to tell you that I'll write up and post in the next few days. They both prove that I am definitely not the Hero of the story and it was made blatantly obvious that He was doing everything.  I'll give you a taste with the next two titles "I lost the argument, but He loved through food." and "I've never went looking for a prostitute before, but after all, it was Valentine's Day and someone needed some lovin." (before you freak out... just wait and read - I think you'll enjoy.)

We made it back here last Sunday and have been unpacking, cleaning (spring cleaning at 34 degrees!), getting stuff ready for next semester and adjusted and we start classes on Monday, Feb 28. I hope to have pictures up on Facebook by Monday and I'll post the link on here so that you all can see the pictures and stories from our trip. Some requests I'd have that you lift up (I feel selfish just asking for help all of the time, but there's no way I can do this without you all and I'm being honest. I also want to be lifting you up too, so let me know how I can - you should have my email.) I really would like to have more time, that means being able to LP better and just take care of things quickly, I know everything takes longer in China, but I feel like with some supernatural help I'll have more time to spend with my students and to do some stress-releiving activities so I can be sharp and bright longer. Also, I ask just for joy in teaching (oh and that I would be better at it and know what to do for them and with them) and a joy and energy just in life with Him, I dont want to be worn out all the time and having just enough to make it through. Lastly, clarity, trust, and surrender in what I'm learning and the new decisions that are coming up before me. I want to be obedient, but to be honest there's alot of things that straight up scare me. (I've also learned there's a difference in worried about and being scared of something). So - more time, joy and strength, and clarity and surrender. Thank you soo much. I can feel the difference when you lift me up. There is a difference, I promise you, I can tell. I love you all and I am just too blessed to know you and be Loved by you. Thank you for loving me and being my friend.