A few things I came to realize or notice as we move back further north: the semi-familiar western faces dissolve into a more concentrated Asian population. The heavier concentration isn't just shown in general skin-tone of the crowd but the density also. It's time to get close to your neighbor again as the level of your personal space drops with the temperature. I had forgotten how temperature didn't really matter anymore as to what you wore but more about the calendar. Stepping into the shuttle bus from the plane in ShangHai, I took inventory of all the other Chinese nationals around us wearing sweaters, jackets, down-coats or a mixture of the 3, and then looked at Jordan, standing next to me, in mesh shorts and a t-shirt. I laughed. Granted, it was 45-50 degrees and we hadn't changed or began the layering process but the sufficient amount was not the overkill that our Chinese comrades were rocking out.
After traveling around Asia for this past month I don't feel the overwhelming sense of inadequacy and the hanging fear from the first semester when I tried to...do anything. (take a bus, get groceries, ask for directions, navigate myself even a little, attempt to order food at a restaurant, or buy/bargain for clothes/presents/anything). As Chinese manners dictate you should take care of the foreign friend (whether he's been here for 1 day or 1 year or 31 years) and so that often means over-serving them and it kind of makes me feel like I'm sometimes 5 years old again. It's meant to be good and I appreciate the help, but because I can't communicate doesn't mean I can't think. Unfortunately, it is another world and not even a different train of thought but a different mode of transportation altogether. As you are treated like you can't think, and held by the hand for so long, you start to believe and act like it. --- I know that I'm an American and that we value our independence... and I'm more of an independent American on top of that, I realize this. But this trip that allowed me to explore, make my own choices, take care of myself, and have options and information...and probably just control (or the false sense of it) was really good and encouraging for me. It helps me think and be creative and process things out. I felt extremely refreshed. I felt like I could breathe again and I understood... something. I enjoyed getting to communicate with people in Thailand in English and talk to strangers again. (yeah, the thing that your parents tell you not to do, I find really fun and interesting - getting to meet people and share with them and love them and just care for them by listening and talking with them.)
As we were away for a few weeks but yet...still here. It helped me step back and reevaulate better. I'm still swimming in arguments for both side as to what next year will hold or where that means I will be, but I could see other things, I could set goals. It's hard to set goals and have an idea for what you want to see happen when you have no idea what tomorrow's gonna look like or what to expect. My goals for this semester is to lesson plan faster (although, I just found out that I have to write an extra LP a week for the first half of the semester), I want to spend more time with my students, I want to spend intentional time learning Chinese, I want to try to incorporate art of some kind into my week (it helps me process and it's what I do naturally), and improve my teaching. I have goals for the classroom too.
I was fighting alot of lies or thoughts at the end of the semester. One of my biggest fears is that if I went home right now, they would just remember me as funny. I don't want to be rememebered for being funny. I mean, yeah that's nice, but when they think back to their foreign teacher Mr. Abram, I don't want "he was very humorous" to be what comes out of their mouth. I want them to know that I love them. I want them to not just know it but feel it. That they would feel loved. That they would somehow know that there is something different about me, something special that somehow they feel loved greater than ever before. That they are loved more than humanly possible. I just want to love them. I want them to know they're loved. More than being funny, or having fun in my class, whether it was easy or hard, even further than how much they learned (which I really do want them to learn alot and succeed), I want them to know that they are Loved and Loved greater than humanly possible. I want them to know that I care and I want them to know why I care and where this Love is coming from.
So yeah. I'm still swimming a bit in uncertainties and new concepts coming from the culture, the language, teaching, and probably more actually from what I'm learning in the Book and with Him. I am extremely thankful for the Thoughts you sent up during the past month for me and my team and our safety and travels and rejuvenation. They were heard and answered. Oh man, I can't begin to describe. It's funny that to look at it from the outsiders perspective, I just traveled through parts of Asia, met people from all over the world, ended up in Thailand and spent 3 weeks there (one on a beautiful island), but the parts that stick out to me and were the highlights of my trip were the conversations that we were able to have with these people. The people we were able to Love with Truth, and deeds, and Vertical Thoughts and just listening and caring. Oh, I feel like I could tell you stories for weeks as to what He did and let us do. I posted a few along the journey, but there are 2 stories that I'd love to tell you that I'll write up and post in the next few days. They both prove that I am definitely not the Hero of the story and it was made blatantly obvious that He was doing everything. I'll give you a taste with the next two titles "I lost the argument, but He loved through food." and "I've never went looking for a prostitute before, but after all, it was Valentine's Day and someone needed some lovin." (before you freak out... just wait and read - I think you'll enjoy.)
We made it back here last Sunday and have been unpacking, cleaning (spring cleaning at 34 degrees!), getting stuff ready for next semester and adjusted and we start classes on Monday, Feb 28. I hope to have pictures up on Facebook by Monday and I'll post the link on here so that you all can see the pictures and stories from our trip. Some requests I'd have that you lift up (I feel selfish just asking for help all of the time, but there's no way I can do this without you all and I'm being honest. I also want to be lifting you up too, so let me know how I can - you should have my email.) I really would like to have more time, that means being able to LP better and just take care of things quickly, I know everything takes longer in China, but I feel like with some supernatural help I'll have more time to spend with my students and to do some stress-releiving activities so I can be sharp and bright longer. Also, I ask just for joy in teaching (oh and that I would be better at it and know what to do for them and with them) and a joy and energy just in life with Him, I dont want to be worn out all the time and having just enough to make it through. Lastly, clarity, trust, and surrender in what I'm learning and the new decisions that are coming up before me. I want to be obedient, but to be honest there's alot of things that straight up scare me. (I've also learned there's a difference in worried about and being scared of something). So - more time, joy and strength, and clarity and surrender. Thank you soo much. I can feel the difference when you lift me up. There is a difference, I promise you, I can tell. I love you all and I am just too blessed to know you and be Loved by you. Thank you for loving me and being my friend.
