40 Days...

How do you describe the last 40+ days?
It would cheapen His work in my life and in my heart, and in the world around me to describe in one word, but, alas, I don't have days to write it and you dont have days to read it. Like John once said at the end of his story, "if everything He did was written down, I suppose the world wouldn't have enough room for all the books." That is true. But simplified in a few phrases: roller coaster, exhausting, near visible warfare, ridiculous, surreal, challenging, and the thought "really?!"

It seems like which part of the day you asked me how the day is going, will my answer change. My days/emotions have been on more of a roller-coaster ride and change faster than the cravings of a pregnant woman.  I've walked down stairs heading to class and wanted to collapse in tears and just lay there, but I had class in 15 min, so I couldn't do that. I asked and felt the Spirit strengthening me. Made it through the first class, got to share some. Had lunch with a student who asked, "what is the purpose of your life?" (REALLY?!) Wow! Then coming off the H.S. high and crashed hard during the next class. It looked up a little as I got to eat dinner with students, and as I went back to lesson plan thought, "am I really teaching them anything? Am I doing my job? Man, I suck at this! They probably won't allow me to come back. They've never asked anyone to leave mid-year, but I might be getting close."  Some days I've thought, I could stay here for years and do this - this is where it's at. There's so much here! Then later that same day thought, I won't make it til Christmas, I don't think I can do it. Get me out of here, but to where?

Since I've stopped blogging, I quit focusing on the physical explanations and I've learned and been aware of so much more of the "supernatural" than the physical. How the supernatural can and does effect the physical- both with supernatural attack/warfare from the enemy and supernatural sustaining when it's not possible. Many times in America, we only give the supernatural side of things a very small acknowledgment in our lives. Here, we live in the supernatural side and the physical side comes along with it.

"Don't let your experiences dictate your thol. but let your theol. dictate your experiences." Does what you've experienced or feel help you understand what you read? OR does what you read make you redefine what just happened or what you feel. What is love? Not how you have experienced it,but what does It say? Now how does that change what you see of what just happened? Who is He? Is that from what  you've experienced of Him or what it says about Him? Can you prove it? With many denom. and backgrounds... and a language barrier here, I've had to dig in and prove it by seeing exactly what it says. Many things I have thought or tried to reason out (maybe from my experiences have been wrong and I've had to restructure much of what I've thought.) I feel like I've went from serving meals to people to having to go back and be fed milk now. It's very humbling to know the thing that you have the most pride in, is your relationship with Him. Then he breaks that bride down by scrambling your relationship.

It has been good because I've learned it's very easy to see a mis-guided or a false representation of different things based upon our experiences first. For example: I realized I had a skewed version of who He is because as He is the authority figure I saw Him as like a cop wanting to protect you, so he catches your every move. Or a judge who is stand for justice so much that he almost begrudgingly gives out forgiveness - like He sighs and shakes His head as He gives me more forgiveness. All of these views from past authority figures, yelling from coaches, look from principles, the flexed muscle of the cop - all of these have helped me define HIS authority. But that's not what I read. Yes, He is the judge, but He also willingly, generously gives out forgivness. I mean, if He gave everything so that you and I could have it, why would he begrudgingly give it out. I mean, He is joyed as He gives it out. To the woman who was busted in the middle of adultery he could have given her the look, scolded her, picked up a stone, but he just said, "Go and sen no more." Do you think He had a smile on His face when He said it? Like, YOU'RE FREE! Now GO :-D! One example, alot of what I'm redefining is just who He is. What is identity is and then how we fit into that... aka what our identity is?

-Many times I've asked, "Really?!" In my relationship or talking about the Book, "I can't understand this... I've taught this before! Really?!"
-Then you have my student, whose English isn't that good but suddenly improves to ask me, "What is the aim of your life?" Really?!
-I mentioned going to a Fellowship here with a student after lunch, the next week 7 students came with me to the Fellowship. It was their first time. Really?!
-I got to have lunch and talk with and share my Heart to the assistant dean of our department. Really?!
-A student I have isn't a Family member yet, but is now reading the Book for and hour and half each day and coming up with very difficult questions to answer. Really?!
-A student randomly breaks out his Chinese Book to show me in class one day. Really?!
-They want our team to perform at a city-wide banquet on a stage with lights, curtains, the whole nine yards - in front of a few hundred people. Really?!
-Went to play pool with a student and because I was American they turned the music to English in the pool hall for me. Really?!

I could go on and you'll be getting a letter soon with a few more details, but a few thoughts have stuck and I wanted to share to end.
--Does your theol. dictate your experience or experience dictate your theol.?
--At the end of Wall-E he says, "I don't want to survive, I want to live!" That has become a very important idea that I've been asking for. I don't want to just survive today or this week, but I want to thrive. I feel pretty rough, but I don't want to just survive and make it through this next class, I want you to show up in an amazing way.

I've been learning more about the Sprite and thinking vertically and listening to Him more. One thought He's been crying out in my soul is "We need more workers. Send more. Get more. The campus is so ripe so ready." There are 9 of us Americans (with both teams) and a pretty solid movement of Family members on campus, but I feel like we more here. There just aren't enough of us to share with all of them so hungry, so open. Whether or not it's my place to stay, I don't know yet. If this is where He asks me to stay, then I'll be here and it will keep growing; if this is not the place, He will not use me here and I should move on.It's so much about what He is doing. It's been ridiculous of the things they asked and how it comes up. It is completely His work, but I've learned even more what it is to sacrifice even more, to give up it ALL (and I'm still far from) but to see how He works in those surrendered and intentional. It is amazing.

Thanks for reading this all and for continuing to remember us. 
He hears and is answering. I wish you could see His work here.